Insight:
I
recently observed the following conversation:
Pat: We need to discuss hiring a new project
manager.
Samuel: We've already discussed this. We
all know that we can't. We need to hire a
programmer.
Pat: A project manager is essential to succeed.
Samuel: We can't spend our limited budget on a
team member that's not programming.
Pat: The problem is that we're not getting our
projects done. Our folks are running in circles and
they need a manager.
Samuel: No, we need another programmer to get
the work done.
In this conversation, neither Pat nor Samuel were
listening. They were simply
repeating their opinion over and over again--each
time a little bit louder or with a new point. This is a
typical pattern when conflict arises.
When people feel that their opinion has been
ignored, most people either:
- Make their point even stronger--with more
force or with new evidence.
- Give up and move on to another topic, even
though they still disagree.
Over and over again, these are the two moves that
people tend to make. However, neither is effective.
The first causes the conversation to
escalate, and the second
just saves the problem for later.
Key Action: If
you are not being heard, stop trying to prove your
point and start listening. When the other person feels
heard, they'll be ready to listen to what you want to
say.
People in conversations have two modes: send or
receive. If both people are in send mode, which is
typical of conversations with conflict, no real
communication is taking place. If the person you are
talking with is in "send mode," you won't be able to
influence them because they're not listening to you.
It's like talking on walkie-talkies. If both people are
pushing the "talk" button, nobody can hear anything.
Someone has to take their finger off the talk button
for communication to begin.
In order for the situation to de-escalate and a
resolution to be found, switch from send mode to
receive mode, and listen to the other person.
Once they feel heard, you'll be able to more
effectively communicate your point. And you'll also
be more persuasive because you will better
understand their perspective and what's important to
them.
In the situation above, Pat could have changed the
dynamic of the conversation if he had
started to listen:
"Help me understand why you
want
to hire another programmer rather than a project
manager?"
Once Samuel felt heard, Pat can
then
share his perspective:"OK, now that I understand
why you want to hire a programmer, are you willing to
listen to why I think a project manager is a priority?"
When someone feels heard, they
typically reciprocate and are open to listening. So if
you want your point to be heard, listen first. Then,
when you express your point-of-view, they will
actually be listening.
