Insight:
I was
recently facilitating an executive retreat for a
medium-sized manufacturing company. Two of the
team
members--John and Greg--starting to argue fiercely
about a complex decision and it quickly became
unproductive. I paused the conversation and setup a
process to fully understand each person's
perspective. Greg gave me his permission to start
with John.
Me: "John, let me see if I understand what you are
saying," and I proceeded to say back to him what I
had heard about his perspective.
John: "No, that's not it at all!" And he told me again
his point-of-view.
Me: "OK, so what you're saying is..." and once again,
I tried to repeat back to him what I was hearing.
John: "NO! That's NOT what I'm saying."
I was a bit surprised that I still hadn't heard him
correctly, but after one more try, I was able to repeat
back to him his perspective. I knew that I had finally
understood him when John said, "Yes, that's what I'm
saying."
The conversation with Greg was similar and it took
me a few tries until Greg said that I understood what
he was saying. At that point, I looked at what John
said, then at what Greg said, and it seemed like they
were saying the exact same thing. To their
surprise, they agreed--they really had the same
point-of-view all along. They were just
misunderstanding each other and arguing fiercely
about it!
Key Action:
For clarity, restate what you
heard and ask the other person if you understood
correctly. Beware of assuming you know what they
meant.
So often, we think we understood what the other
person said, when in fact, we didn't. This can often
cause arguments, misunderstandings, breakdowns,
and lost trust. In any critical communication, make
sure that you paraphrase what you heard so that you
know you both are on the same page.
People often think that replicating or paraphrasing
slows down the conversation and is a waste of time.
However, by replicating, we avoid the
misunderstandings and rework that consume far
more time.
Some good times to replicate are
when:
- Confusion exists
- You disagree with what the other side is saying or
are having difficulty listening
- You are feeling impatient or irritated
- You think you've reached agreement around an
issue
- A commitment is being made.
There are also other benefits. Just accurately
replicating what the speaker said without resistance
or judgment sometimes gives the speaker a new
insight into the subject.
When I work with executives on strategic plans,
often just paraphrasing back to them what I heard
helps them get new insights and a bigger picture of
their strategic priorities.
Overall, we often think we understand what the other
person has said, even though we haven't. After all,
we all listen through our own "filters." If you restate
what the other person has said before moving on to
the next aspect of the dialogue, you will be checking
your assumptions and your conversations will be
more productive. Although it may take a bit of
time upfront, by ensuring clarity, you are avoiding the
pitfalls of miscommunication and saving a lot of time
and energy.
